First thorn in my side: vendors. Yesterday, J and I finally had engagement photos taken at Daniels Park, after our photographer went incommunicado for the week prior to the first scheduled session and then cancelled on us that morning. Engagement photos went well and the photog seemed nice, but part of me still worries that she'll go missing before the big day. Also, our bartender seems to have gone on vacation and hasn't responded to any of my emails for the past month. Come on people, I'm paying you oodles of money--at least have the courtesy to respond. Makes me glad that I'm doing the bouquets, centerpieces, and boutonnieres myself.
But you know what's making me antsy, more antsy than delinquent vendors? The idea of walking down the aisle and having 115 pairs of eyes stare at me for an entire evening. I hate hate hate being the center of attention...which is why I've decided to walk up a dirt path to the arbor where the ceremony will take place, and not down the aisle that bisects the audience. The crowd will be hard-pressed to catch a view of me until I'm at the front with J...and then I'll have my back to them for most of the ceremony. This avoidance of eye contact will only work for the first 40 minutes of the evening, but oh well.
I'm also (still) ruing the fact that I'm being forced to wear a fancy white dress. Chances are I'll rip it or catch the hem on something. Not only am I clumsy, but I'm prone to sudden, jerky movements. Plus, since this is an outdoor wedding, the dress will get dirty no matter what. Then again, I'll never wear this dress again and I don't plan to have the thing professionally cleaned or preserved, so I guess I shouldn't care all that much. I really do wish I could wear something much more casual though. J's dad will be wearing jeans and boots...why can't I?
But I suppose all of this anxiety is part of something larger: so many parts of this wedding are starting to not feel like "me," despite all of the DIY details. Fancy hair, fancy dress, and worst of all, fancy makeup (eyeshadow and mascara make me want to claw my eyes out). And it still piques me that my parents are forcing me to put my relatives at the "good tables," even though they don't drink or dance or do anything fun (favorite cousins of mine, this doesn't include you). I'm trying to keep in mind that this will just be a fun party and it'll be so great to see friends who have traveled from across the country to share in our joy.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Because I sure won't be doing that in the dress.
The alternative to walking down an aisle
Ah Sylvia - I hear you! Maybe I'm just looking at it from the outside, but I think your wedding day, when it comes down to it, will reflect the two of you, and I hope it will feel that way for you on the day itself. As for fancy hair/makeup, I am absolutely not a fancy makeup person (case in point - I think the last time I wore eyeliner was on my wedding, ahem) but just think of it this way - you'll probably never (or very rarely) do that again. Embrace the fact that you will be stunning - which you absolutely will!
ReplyDeleteCaroline