That's What She Said

It's time for another round of S*** My Mom Says, translated from Cantonese--

Me: So did you like Thailand?
Mom: Meh. Lots of transgendered people there.

Mom: [pointing at a picture of a model with her hair parted to one side] See? You should part your hair like that. It looks professional and you'd look prettier.

Mom: I read that there are a lot of bears in Colorado. You should never go camping.

Me: [while leaving a restaurant] I'm going to use the restroom first.
Mom: Remember to not sit on the toilet seat. It's dirty and there are germs.
Me: You've been telling me this every time I leave to use the restroom for the past thirty-three years.

Me: Aunt R's email says that she enjoys me.
Mom: What does that mean?
Me: It means she likes hanging out with me.
Mom: Oh, she's just saying that. She doesn't mean it.

Me: I thought health was more important than money.
Mom: Yes, but if you don't have enough money, you're going to be forty, fifty, and feel bad that you can't afford a house or travel.

Mom: Your hair is a mess. I hope you don't look like that when J gets home from work because otherwise he's going to get bored with you and lose interest and divorce you.

Mom: You need a house because in an apartment, you have nowhere to go and you just sit on the couch after you eat dinner and then your butt gets fat.

My dad decided to get in on the action--

Dad: I'd be happy if you made $200,000 per year.
Me: Uh, that's not happening at [my company].
Dad: Maybe you could get a promotion and become a partner.

And finally, while I was getting a dress altered--

Tailor: Your daughter is so skinny.
Dad: She's in high school.
Tailor: What? No way...
Mom: No no, she's in college.