Back in the Saddle

Today may be Election Day but this post will remain silent on the subject, as I've always made it my business to not discuss politics. I was involved in the 2008 Presidential election and subsequently worked in government for two years. Feels like eons ago. I guess you could say that my time in the Senate and on the ground made me cynical pragmatic and weary--I'm so thankful that we don't own a TV. What I will say is that no matter the outcome today, our nation will survive and move forward. Each side will continue to fight for what it believes to be the correct course of action, each side believing that it possesses the moral high ground, because that's how it's been for the past two hundred plus years. But we as a people, together, will overcome whatever adversity comes our way.

And now on to other thoughts.

Written two weekends ago:

Blogging has come to a standstill as life has taken priority. Two weekends ago, J and I traveled to Nebraska for a wedding. Last weekend, J and I moved to Lowry and are still in the process of trucking more of our belongings back and forth between apartments. This weekend, we're back in Nebraska to pick up 540 pounds of grass fed beef and some of J's belongings that were unceremoniously dumped on the ranch by the Air Force. It's been busy, to say the least.

And then there are the unceasing and random questions that have filled my head: "How long will we live in Denver?" "How long will I be at this job?" "How will I manage living in the suburbs when I'm deathly afraid of driving in the city? I can't/shouldn't rely on J to drive me everywhere." "How can I stop feeling so overwhelmed by work and social obligations and choir and children's choir and life?" I've never been able to turn off my brain completely.

I'll put it out there. So many of these thoughts are both the cause and effect of anxiety issues I've dealt with since my law firm days. My headaches have returned. I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in months. I wake up constantly. But why is this happening? Life itself isn't stressful--my job is stable and calm, 9 to 5, no weekends, no emergencies. The wedding has long been over. And still, anxiety grips my heart and constricts my chest at random moments. What frustrates me most is that life is good and I know that I am blessed, yet my body reacts in ways that I can't control.

But for now, we are surrounded by the calm of the ranch and the mooing cows and my mind is more at ease. J and I took a three mile walk down the gravel road this afternoon, Gnarlie at our heels. We admired the snow on the hills and the hints of green clover poking up through the brown. After months of drought, the recent snowfall has provided the ground and grass with some desperately needed moisture. J and I talked about the future and raising hypothetical little Parsonses in the middle of nowhere and how they wouldn't have access to the music lessons and activities that we enjoyed as children. So many trade-offs to consider, but I probably shouldn't get ahead of myself.

Still, what I want most for J and me and any hypothetical Parsonses is for us to live a life more or less free from societal pressure to keep up with the Joneses, the self-imposed need to be "on the go" all time, the feeling that there's always something bigger and "better" out there. Lofty goals, no doubt. But while I am grateful for the opportunities I've received and the experiences I've had, I do wish that I had learned to be grounded at a much earlier age...that I hadn't been been so competitive, that I had known better than to succumb to the temptations presented to me, that I had truly known who I was and what my priorities were or should have been. The best that I can do going forward is to live by the principles and values I hold dear, provide my family with an environment conducive to growth, and teach them to be good people.