Correction: I loved running. It's been a long time since I've been able to run properly because of my hamstring and IT band, and I haven't run at all recently because of my concussion. Yes, the accident happened four months ago but even walking quickly in cold weather can still trigger a headache; I'm not ready to risk anything worse just yet. I also seem to be developing a bunion on my left foot (TMI?), which is strange because I almost never wear heels. But I wanted to blog about running now because it's been a big part of my life and because six years ago today, I ran the Miami Marathon and it was one of the best experiences of my life. I still get warm fuzzies thinking about that day.
I can't believe that the marathon was *six* years ago...feels like it was just yesterday. Where has the time gone? Six years ago, I was still living in NYC, working on globalization and development issues at Joe Stiglitz's economic policy think tank. I had just returned from a work trip to India and was in the middle of finishing my PhD applications and planning my second trip to London to visit friends. My life was in flux as I continued to distance myself from my corporate law days and attempted to pursue what I thought was my dream career. Six years later, I am more settled in certain respects but I'm still trying to figure out my next steps and still dealing with injuries that I sustained during the marathon.
I miss running a lot. I miss running along the Hudson River or around the U.S. Capitol at 5:30 in the morning when no one else is awake and feeling like I have the entire city to myself. I miss running in 20 degree weather--I love running in the cold; even sixty degrees feels too warm to me. I miss seeing the sun rise on my way home. I miss feeling that runner's high, which for me usually kicked in around Mile 6. I used to jump out of bed on even the coldest of wintry mornings because I was so excited to run.
But despite all of the things that I miss, I think my forced retirement from running has made me come to terms with a part of my personality that I didn't particularly like. Running--and all sports--involve a certain amount of ego. I'll be the first to admit that my ego and competitive nature have frequently gotten the best of me. One of the reasons I decided to train for a marathon in the first place was that I just wanted to be able to say that I had completed 26.2. And even though I began experiencing intense spasms in my hamstring around Mile 5, I forced myself to keep going--after all, I hadn't trained for the past three months just to quit, right? I didn't want to go home a "failure." So I pushed myself and worked through the pain and by the time I reached the finish line, I had to walk because my leg was in excruciating agony. I ended up exacerbating a microscopic tear in my hamstring that I hadn't known existed, and the injury plagues me to this day.
Over the past few years, I've been able to run occasionally but only in fits and starts. I'll build up to six or seven miles at a time and then have to stay off my feet for a month or so because my legs begin bothering me again. I've grown to accept the fact that I won't be able to run long distances and honestly, I don't need to anymore. It's not like running the extra few miles improves my health substantially (if anything, it's harder on my knees), and I no longer feel the need to prove my mettle and endurance. I do hope to start running again simply for pleasure, especially since I've done some of my best thinking on long runs, but if my body says "no more," then I'll find other forms of exercise and outlets for my energy. I've always wanted to become a better kayaker.
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