THURSDAY, OCTOBER 4, 2007
Time to Step Back and Reflect
After re-reading some of my more recent entries, I concluded that I've turned into a rather negative and whiny person. I suppose you could euphemistically say that I'm cynical or that I've just become more subdued, but when it comes down to it, I'm not the cheerful, glass half full person that I used to be. I seem to complain a lot more, whether it be about classes, my parents, random people who piss me off, life regrets...the list goes on.
I guess it's difficult to tell that there's been a marked change in my personality if you haven't known me for the last, say, ten years. But looking back, I remember a time when my outlook was sunny and optimistic pretty much 100% of the time. When I was in college, for instance, I went to the bank every Friday to deposit my work-study paychecks. I must have subconsciously stopped by the same teller window every time because on one particular Friday, the bank teller commented to me, "You know, I see you every week, and every week, you always have a big smile on your face. You must be a really happy, cheerful person. What are you always smiling about?"
Even up through law school, I remember being pretty perky and upbeat--I was super active, always talking to people, organizing events, and having fun. Sure, I wasn't thrilled that I was studying law instead of history, but I still enjoyed life and made the most of things. I had a great time being President of Student Senate and Bar Czar (though I suppose the latter position wore on me a bit by third year, especially when I didn't feel like going to a bar every Thursday night and the crowds started to thin near finals), and I made a lot of really close friends. So what's happened to me since then that I now come across as weary, jaded, and somewhat disengaged from life?
I suppose the law firm sucked a lot of the joy out of me--when I was a first year associate, I became increasingly resentful that I couldn't control my own schedule and my tolerance for non-interesting, non-substantive work rapidly declined. Every morning, I dreaded getting out of bed since I knew that the coming work day would bring nothing but tedium. I was always tired and cranky (due to lack of sleep), and any conversations I had--if there was time for conversation--were always punctuated with a comment about how much I hated my job.
Even after I left the law firm though, I found it really difficult to shake my negative mindset. It's so easy to get in the habit of bonding and commiserating over negative work experiences that eventually, you forget how to interact like a normal human being. For instance, here's a typical conversation often overheard in New York City (courtesy of Michael Melcher at The Creative Lawyer, though with my own additions):
Person 1: Hi, I’m A.
Person 2: Hi, I’m B. What do you do?
Person 1: I’m a lawyer [slight eye roll].
Person 2: Me too [sharp, bitter laugh]. Where do you work?
Person 1: I'm at [insert name of large law firm]. You?
Person 2: I'm at [another large law firm]. Are you corporate or litigation?
Person 1: Corporate. I'm in securities [grimace].
Person 2: Ugh, that sucks [sympathetic grimace]. I'm in structured finance. It's not too terrible, I guess.
Melcher argues that when lawyers engage in these types of interactions, they are acting out a particular cultural norm--that is, dumping on one's chosen profession. No one wants to hear how happy you are with your job, especially if he/she isn't satisfied with his/her own career. And it's definitely true that the lawyers who appear to be the most overworked and put-upon, and who bill the most hours, are often the ones heralded as the real troopers of the law firm. You sucked it up and made personal sacrifices for the team--good for you!
So it's no wonder that all of this negativity has embedded itself in my system over the last few years. And even though it's been awhile since I've been in a corporate environment, old habits die hard.
Given all of this, I've decided that going forward, I need to change my thought process, and have come up with a list of things of which to remind myself on a daily basis.
1. Remember that I am blessed.
I'm healthy, I have a good support network of people who care about me, I'm finally doing what I want career-wise, and overall, things are going well. I need to stop fixating on minor annoyances and the short-term ups and downs, and be thankful that life is pretty good.
2. Be patient with others.
Definitely a difficult one for me--I'm so quick to find fault with people. I'm not perfect by any stretch, so who am I to point out someone else's shortcomings?
3. Remember that every day is a new day.
I have a tendency to beat myself up when I feel that I'm not fulfilling my own expectations, especially when I haven't been productive. Instead, I should focus on making the most of my time going forward, rather than brooding about what I didn't do.
4. Keep a smile on my face and maintain an upbeat attitude, even if I'm not feeling particularly perky or cheerful.
As William James, a noted psychologist and philosopher of the nineteenth century, so aptly put it, "Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not."
5. Think positive.
Sounds vague, but it actually isn't. I need to actively monitor my thoughts and become aware of every negative thought. Hopefully, by recognizing and stopping negative thoughts when they arise (instead of dwelling on them), and then replacing them with positive ones, I can break the vicious cycle of negativity and return to my formerly happy self.
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